NEW YORK, NY – It never ceases to amaze me how some women seem believe they have an actual DeBeers diamond mine between their legs (which would be very painful, if true). Recently a good friend shared a story about a woman that he briefly dated, and how she decided to inform him that he made her feel “like a total fucking prostitute” after he ended things. Why you ask? Did he call her out of her name? No. Was he disrespectful in anyway? No. Did, he pay her for sexual favors? No. Did he ever use the phrase “whoop that trick” during any of their encounters? Doubt it (although in the right moment that song could be useful). So what caused such a reaction? Could it be that he merely acted as a willing and able participant in a few mutually consensual sexual encounters during their brief relationship? The same encounters that she was more than eager to participate in and initiate. However, after those encounters and a few further conversations, he was able to determine she wasn’t the woman that he was seeking and very politely and with all due respect, informed her that he no longer wanted to sleep with her although he would like to remain friends.
continues after the jump…
Apparently, by her response, it is unprecedented that a man, after being granted the “keys to the kingdom” (at least that’s what some women think) can remain disinterested, even to the point that he turns down future sexual encounters. And thus she decided to play the guilt card, blaming him for for having sex with her. You know the roll – the virtuous woman lured into bed by the sex hungry man-beast. In every way, she was the one that pushed their relationship to the sexual brink. He just planted the flag. My question is, why is it incumbent for men to have the crystal ball, peer into the future and thus stop, in the present, sexual encounters that result in nothing more than an intimate moment between two people and not a lifetime commitment? News flash – that will NEVER happen.
This story is evidence of a larger issue as to why men and women still have issues dealing with one another on an basic and fundamentally honest level. Let me make it plain for you that still don’t get it. Any late 20’s/30’s/40’s man that’s worth anything has had more than his fair share of sexual experiences. At least enough to not be swayed by the experience itself. Essentially, the curtain has long been pulled back on the vagina Wizard, hence it’s not this life changing experience that most women think it is…at least not for us. As a result, women have to do a lot more than “give it up” to keep any guy worth having. Sure, sex is a key part of any solid relationship, but far from the primary component. Our attraction starts much earlier. Most of the time, we’ve determined if a woman is or isn’t a viable relationship option long before she knows we even exist. Yes, we can do that. It’s one of our few super powers. Additionally, we know if they aren’t a viable long-term option, but someone that we will still sleep with, if the opportunity presents itself. That little detail, you can set your clock to. However, if women continue to use sex as a tool to land guys that they want, but the guy doesn’t show the same interest in return, the woman shouldn’t be surprised if his feelings remain unchanged even after the two have slept together. Often in this case, the guys feelings might even diminish further. That’s my “prenutual/postnutual” theory that I’ll expound upon in a later post. (Please remind me).
Guys are like venus fly traps in that sense. Of course we’re going to accept sexual offers that land in our lap, assuming she doesn’t look like C.H.U.D. That’s just how we’re wired. You know that. We know that. Get over it. But a word to the wise, if you’re looking for something serious, you don’t want the passive hunter. If he shows little-to-no interest, guess what…he’s not interested. Sex isn’t going to change that, no matter how “bomb” you think yours is. I’m not saying that we don’t appreciate sex as much as you do. Believe me when I say, we do. We just place emotional value in other elements of a relationship that women might not. For instance, I almost fell in love with a woman once, because she could explain, in detail, the Miami Dolphin’s wildcat offense. That blew my mind! But I digress. It’s simple. Women – you want and a guy that wants you more than you want him. Let me repeat that:
You. Want. A. Guy. That. Wants. You. More. Than. You. Want. Him.
Simple concept, but seemingly much harder to execute. But it is achievable. You’ll know it when you see it. Or better yet, you’ll feel it. He may not always be the perfect vision of Prince Charming (see: Jay-Z and Beyonce) but he is still an awesome fucking guy that could make you happy as hell! Motivation and Desire are the X and Y of this equation. You want the guy that continually feels the need to impress you. Continually marvels at the concept of you and him, together. The guy that will go to war for you. Not the guy that will dodge the draft, and head for the hills. Him…you let go. Don’t play the guilt card after using sex as bait to get a guy that was luke warm on you from the start. Matter of fact, don’t use sex as bait at all, it rarely ever works out the way you might want. If you want to sleep with a guy, sleep with him. But don’t expect something to be there afterward that wasn’t there before. If that’s your motivation, keep the diamonds in your pants, no matter how shiny you think they are.
The FREE Man
December 15th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Oooooh this is good.
But my favorite part is:
“Our attraction starts much earlier. Most of the time, we’ve determine if a woman is or isn’t a viable relationship option long before she knows we even exist. Yes, we can do that.”
And my answer is simply… if you can do that, you can SAY it.
If we were HONEST about being HONEST we can say: most people aren’t. Particularly… not honest about their intentions.
Since men can easily determine whether a woman is a viable relationship option before she even knows he noticed her then he should be telling her in their first real encounters of each other JUST THAT. Because women can’t detect the difference between a man who wants to sleep with her AND wants more VS a man who just wants to sleep with her. And again.. if we are HONEST it’s because int eh beginning you ALL ACT THE SAME.
And since yo umentioned her reaction to their “BRIEF” time dating I can gather that they didn’t know each other for along time before sleeping together. Again, another thing that men WANT so women ALLOW. (And not to dog men… this is sometimes vice versa and in the heat of the moment 99.9% mutual).
Time for MEN to get past their penises and be more mature and discerning about who they sleep with instead of later complaining that “she’s tripping”.
If you had put out there your intentions from the beginning, you would have gotten a woman who would have understood and been OK with the situation, instead of accusing you of “tricking/leading her into” sex.
Don’t play the victim on this subject because womens’ emotions are OFTEN tied to sex. Whether they want them to be or not.
If men would be a little less selfish in this area and not doing the “well I never promised her this, I never tricked her into that” and used some of that foresight for who they should and shouldn’t sleep with BECAUSE they ALREADY aren’t on the same page.. this might not be a discussion.
Sexual responsibility needs to go beyond condoms and getting tested. You need to start considering other people’s feelings and mind state and again.. be more discerning.
Men: stop sleeping with a woman who wants a boyfriend when all you ever want to be is her “after 12, before 3″ man.
And if your not sure yet whether you would like to be in a real relationship with her, try dating her before sleeping with her. It won’t kill you.
December 15th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
(**CORRECTED TYPOS** & ADDED ADD’L COMMENTS)
Oooooh this is good.
But my favorite part is:
“Our attraction starts much earlier. Most of the time, we’ve determine if a woman is or isn’t a viable relationship option long before she knows we even exist. Yes, we can do that.”
And my answer is simply… if you can do that, you can SAY it.
If we were HONEST about being HONEST we can say: most people aren’t. Particularly… not honest about their intentions.
Since men can easily determine whether a woman is a viable relationship option before she even knows he noticed her then he should be telling her in their first real encounters of each other JUST THAT. Why? Because women can’t detect the difference between a man who wants to sleep with her AND wants more VS a man who just wants to sleep with her. And again… if we are HONEST it’s because (in the beginning) you ALL ACT THE SAME.
And since you mentioned her reaction to their “BRIEF” time dating I can gather that they didn’t know each other for a long time before sleeping together. Again, another thing that men WANT so women ALLOW. (And not to dog men… this is sometimes vice-versa and in the heat of the moment 99.9% mutual).
Time for MEN to get past their penises and be more mature and discerning about who they sleep with instead of later complaining that “she’s tripping”.
If you had put your intentions out there from the beginning, you would have gotten a woman who would have understood and been OK with the situation, instead of accusing you of “tricking/leading her into” sex. (Or a woman who would have walked away. But hey… less drama and/or badmouthing of your character (based on your lack of desire to BE with her) for you to deal with. On to the next.
Don’t play the victim on this subject because what is an annoyance to you is a woman’s emotional pain. Womens’ emotions are OFTEN tied to sex. Whether they want them to be or not. (Or ’say’ they aren’t effected or not)
If men would be a little less selfish in this area and not do the “well I never promised her this, I never tricked her into that” and used some of that foresight for who they should and shouldn’t sleep with (BECAUSE they ALREADY know they aren’t on the same page) this might not be a discussion.
Sexual responsibility needs to go beyond condoms and getting tested. You need to start considering other people’s feelings and mind state and again: BE MORE DISCERNING.
Men: stop sleeping with a woman who wants a boyfriend when all you ever want to be is her “after 12, before 3″ man.
And if your not sure yet whether you would like to be in a real relationship with her, try dating her before sleeping with her. It won’t kill you.
December 15th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
WOW! AMEN CEEJ!
“Time for MEN to get past their penises and be more mature and discerning about who they sleep with instead of later complaining that “she’s tripping”. INDEED! There is nothing more troubling than a man who plays a ‘victim’ role to deminish the game they’re playing. Always speaking as though they are Kings with manly deeds. And yet when it is time to put forth the action that was implied, whether by word or motion, the women are crazy for expecting him to be what he claimed to be.
December 15th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Hey…Liz…I never said I was a “King” and I am unclear as to the what is implied by my sleeping with someone if that is what we both wanted to do…
December 15th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Well Ian… I haven’t met a man yet who didn’t want to be a king and expect to be respected as such. But the implication is just that. Your communications, actions and reactions before hand dictate the expectations. Like Ceej said, if all you want is ’some fun’… then say that! Don’t come in the door talking about you’re looking for a wife/partner, especially if you know what’s on the other side of the door isn’t it. Perhaps her decision to ’sleep together’ was predicated upon your availability to be something more. Perhpas if she knew that you’d already decided she wasn’t a viable relationship option, she may have made a different decision. Just be real. and let the cards fall where they may. You never know, she may have already made the same decision about you!
December 15th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I must admit that I had not really thought of it (the article) that way Liz and Ceej… but I see your points. It seems that both men and women often suffer from the same cases of delusions from time to time… in thinking they ‘know what the other gender really wants’ to win the prize… or worse, to just be narcissistic an never truly comprehend how our actions to ‘do me’ impact the lives of those we ‘touch’… I think though, we ought to be careful not to project our misinterpretations on others and call them ‘misleadings’…..
December 15th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I get the article and as a woman who embrasses her sexuality in a way that makes some men somewhat uncomfortable becuase I see eye to eye and play to play with a man on the sex thing. The ultimate goal is the big ‘O’ minus that he loses cool points in the sack and well plainly stated my continued interest in him, no matter how clever or witty or frankly wealthy he is…Here is the only counter complaint I have to this article. Men think there is a diamond between their legs as well and frankly there are more cubic zoconias then diamonds out there just because they are long doesnt make them strong or satisfying…every person regardless of gender needs to find more worth in who they are then what they can offer someone else sexually ..Genuinely having standards and requiremnets and being interesting is sexy as hell
December 24th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Well it seems that in this case your friend and the young lady were not on the same page. It seems as though your friend got what he wanted from the young lady and bounced. He must have come to this conclusion rather quickly seeing that they only had a few sexual encounters and she could not satisfy him mentally as well. While, I am not sure why she felt like a prostitute since she received nothing in return. Now, what we don’t know is what your friend was telling this young lady maybe he was giving her the wrong signs as some men do. We are only getting the side of their relationship from your friends point of view. I do agree that anyone in their late 20’s early 30’s should know by now what the deal is and what is expected. Game time should be over and women and men should be upfront about what they are looking for whether it’s dating, friendship, sexual relationship, etc. I think the moral of this story should state “BE UP FRONT.”
December 30th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I’ve been there and could possibly be the very woman your friend speaks of. Many grow up with the fantacy of Prince Charming perpetuated by doll play and fantacies which may cloud higher understanding of the painful truths (he’s just not that into you). But I declare, this was different!
I never expected more because he had HER. He was my casual friend. I trusted him and enjoyed every moment we shared. When he broke it off, I wanted him to feel guilt on ANY freaking level … but he didn’t. As far as diamonds, the ONLY reason he wanted to end the sexual relationship is because I wasn’t as open and fun in bed – I began to feel guilty.
” … your treating me like a prostitute.” Due to my immaturity, it was easier to redirect the blame. I was young. Perhaps I WAS communicating what I felt about myself at the time. I was also upset because he cut off MY no strings affair. I felt guilt but I wasn’t ready to let him go. He used to lay it down and I could be myself. He made me feel like a woman. Don’t underestimate the power and beauty of a short-lived no drama affair.
Well we live and we learn. Sometimes you stroll onto a website and BAM!!!**!*!* There it is in your face … he’s not feeling you and never was! Ok, I’m happily married too. My advice is live, love and learn to let go! Sometimes reaching out to old friends opens cans of worms and enflates their heads ladies. On the other hand, I’m also happy that I’m able to admit it to you … you were a perfect gentleman. Your the man but don’t let it go to your head stallion. Finally, be a man and admit it … DIAMONDS!!! I can make it rock or I can make it roll or I can ruin the whole thing for I’m a tootsie roll. The woman makes the sex.
January 3rd, 2010 at 12:52 am
In a weird way, I agree but disagree. A woman IS foolish to think that sex is going to A)win a man’s heart B)keep him coming back (when other shit aint in tact or C) earn you boyfriend or husband. Sex DOES change a relationship for both men and women and can create a sense of attachment for the X or the Y (though often not concurrently) so it does come with responsibility. Men, you KNOW this so like CeeJ said, you can’t just dismiss a woman as “trippin” or “crazy” once you’ve knowingly engaged her endorphins and emotions with lies or an illusion. Be clear that men can also get very possessive and strung out over a woman rocking his world right – so ladies need to be careful who they engage as well – We may fall easier but men fall harder. FREE Man, ladies often know up front if a mate is a candidate for a roll in the hay or a life partner too, so why not just keep it real up front – all she could say is no – she may even feel the same. Without a level of honesty about expectations – sex which could just be fun – gets REALLY complicated.
Perhaps the BIGGER issue is people trivializing sexual exchange, using it as some type of bartering tool to for status or to substitute other things that are missing in the relationship. Why not take the time to explore a greater connection FIRST. Sex, at it’s best, is the ultimate expression of love. That love has to be established before the sex – the sex does not CREATE the love – i can only ENHANCE it. Best advice given here is…”You. Want. A. Guy. That. Wants. You. More. Than. You. Want. Him. This is the BIGGEST turn on for me. Besides, men fall out of love faster so it’s better if he starts with more. This is not something you can discern in a night maybe not in a week or a month (hell sometimes it takes YEARS) but it may be worth figuring out before you lay down with a man lest you leave the exchange feeling “guilty” or “like a prostitute”. If he doesn’t know that YOU are a diamond he will never fully appreciate the beauty what’s between your legs.
I think that this may have a lot to do with self esteem and some women not embracing that they are worthy of love and chase it by meeting a mans wants and desires – not listening to their own. I agree Prince Charming is not always “the perfect vision” so you may recognize him as the one who’s feelings you don’t have to wonder about – he wants you and he shows it. He’s the man who wants to give me what I want because my happiness makes him happy. I make him happy because we want many of the same things, and I am – without trying – what he was looking for probably well before he found me. I also provide some extra shit he hadn’t even thought about which allows me to exceed his wildest expectations. To me, that’s the foundation for a winning connect.
Still, I can respect Lady 1216 who may embrace sex on a more casual level and accept the rules that go with that game. But when you play that game, respect the prize – the big “O” – not the big rock – and don’t feel cheap or disappointed if that’s all you win (it IS the PRIZE and it can be a damn good one). As Lady 1216 pointed out – you don’t always get THAT so if sex outside of a love relationship (like he said I LOVE YOU and has shown that to be true outside the bedroom) is your game – play for the joy of the sport and know you may not always win.
January 4th, 2010 at 10:59 am
Great article. Great comments! I enjoyed this!
January 15th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Loved this post.
“You. Want. A. Guy. That. Wants. You. More. Than. You. Want. Him.” ..oh so true.
good look Free Man:)
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:25 pm
Well said! Actions speak louder than words. And if someone is genuinely interested he will act it. And if he acts it before you give up your jewels and doesn’t afterwards then he isn’t interested anymore. It’s that simple! That’s why you have to be carful with when and how you have sex with people depending on what you want out of the situation. It would be so much easier if people where more upfront with there intentions. To paraphrase what you stated, “a man determines what he wants long before she knows he even exist”. So imagine a world where a man approaches a woman and said “My intentions are to just have sex with you.” I know if that’s what I want from that person I would be happy with that! Ok…my optioned are open while I’m still getting my cup filed. Some men do it! Some men should try it! It would bring clarity to the situation and give the women the option of whether or not she should invest in the relationship. You’d be surprised how many women are ok with that and you don’t have to worry about the drama aftermath. As soon as she starts acting crazy you can refer to that covo you had before just sleeping with her…
June 14th, 2010 at 9:11 am
Well written and resonates to me with todays perplexing ritual dance of relationships (gifts, expensive restaurants, trips, attention/affection for the keys to the kingdom). Love the woman who are confident enough to forgo this not buying into the make me feel like Paris Hilton trip. Leave the diamonds at De Beers not in the bedroom concept?? I fear this will fall on too many deaf ears that boat has left the dock. Jaded? not really I simply hear women consistently commiserating with the girls where have all the good men gone when putting at a bare minimum wknds at the hamps, shopping trips at Barney’s or Saks above all else in a relationship.